And now for something completely crazy…

I’m pretty sure he’s on a date. Right now. As I live and type.

How do I know this? I don’t really. Except that we had plans today, and when I told him it was my time of the month (CURSES! Of course, right when he gets back from a month away this shit happens), he was all too quick to say that we should reschedule. We chatted via text all morning and all afternoon (during which he told about “the girl”, who we will refer to as She Devil). They went out once before his trip (which he already told me weeks ago) and apparently have been chatting online.

Anyway, as I said, we’d been chatting via text all day. Then suddenly, about an hour ago or so, he stops responding. I text him and he answers with one word. I respond to his one word, and he answers with “k.” Does that sound like a man on a date to you? Because it does to me.

I am not happy. It’s not (just) the fact that he is (probably) on a date. He’s been on dates before, and he’ll go on them again. It’s the fact that he just got back from his trip and I haven’t even seen him yet, and he is (maybe) out with someone else? No! Plus, if he fucks her, which he will, that means SHE gets the benefits of his almost-month with no nooky, not me. I’m sorry, but that is just not fair. Welcome home sex is supposed to be mine–MINE!

And then I kind of blame myself a little. Because he was in town on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. His kids were with the ex from the 24th until the afternoon of the 25th, when they came to his place and then they all left to visit family. He texted me on Christmas Eve, saying he was desperate to see me. But I couldn’t. It was Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve through Christmas Day is family time. There is no way I could have sneaked out to meet him without experiencing extreme self-hatred. My husband and I always have sex on Christmas Eve, I could not have excused myself and gone and slept with Sir too. It would have just been. . .icky. And as my husband is not stupid, he would know that there was no last minute emergency that needed tending to on Christmas Eve, and that I was not merely “out”, but that I was out with “someone else.” It would have totally crossed a line.

My feelings about all of this are all tangled up. Yes, I’d like to have a poly family, but I think I would prefer if we were all involved, rather than having individual relationships all over the place. It just gets so complicated. I’m not even really poly at this point,but I can’t stop my head from swimming with all of these possible problems. Who gets holidays? Who gets priority when two people are experiencing a personal crisis at once? Does the spouse, or whoever was there first, always retain “primary” status? Can anything ever actually be equal between a person’s two or more lovers? Should it be?

Then there’s the huge issue underlying all of this. . .which is that I feel insufficient. I know that sounds completely ridiculous coming from a married woman who’s sleeping with other men because her husband can’t meet her needs, but hear me out. My husband is my partner. We are a family. No matter what, we will always have that. He comes first, and he knows it. I sleep here, I consult him on all major decisions, holidays are automatically spent together and it is up to the two of us to build a life together.

When it comes to Sir, I have no such status.  I am listed on my Fet Life profile as under his “protection” (as commanded by him), but I am not listed on his. At all. And then I get to see in his news feed that he is posting on singles boards, and on his profile that he is seeking a long-term relationship, and I just get. . .I don’t even know what the word for it is. He has never been anything less than honest with me, so that isn’t the problem. I guess I just still feel like the girl he is seeing while he waits for someone better to come along. Which was fine, back before he was interfering with my affairs. But when I’m not allowed to see or talk to guys I was formerly sleeping with, when anyone from the fetish community who wants to talk to me has to go through him, but I don’t even deserve to have my existence acknowledged? I don’t know. I am new to this, maybe I am over-reacting? Can anyone else give their opinion?

I need to know that I am his. I need something to hold onto. Not necessarily a collar, but something. But that is not the kind of thing you can ask for. It has to be freely given, or it means nothing. We don’t even have a picture together.

Part of me just wants to tell him to screw off, or that I thought I was okay with this but I’m not, or that I need to find someone who is also married with children, who understands exactly where I am coming from and whose needs are balanced more closely with mine. The rest of me knows that I am in this until I am cut loose, left on the side of the road in a cardboard box, shivering and howling my head off, in the tradition of all abandoned pussy.