It is embarrassing to admit, but at almost 30, I am still sorting out my beliefs about sexuality. I was raised believing that sex is exclusively for marriage, and that anyone who does it outside of those guidelines is a) weak, b) immoral and/or c) damaged and desperate for love.
I was taught that having sex with someone you are not married to is giving yourself away, and that you will never be able to get those parts back. Further, that upon marriage, you would experience marital dysfunction because you didn’t “save yourself”. I was also taught that men were different from women–that men need sex within a marriage in order to feel loved. So basically, while outside of marriage, sex is considered base and people who do it are just acting like animals, within a marriage sex is necessary for men to feel loved. I guess this is their way of telling women that once married they need to be prepared to give it up, regardless of whether they feel like it or not (since women are presumed to be the ones who are only having sex because their partner wants them to.)
Fast-forward to now. I believe that we are just very complex animals. Moral codes were invented to stop humanity from devolving into chaos, so unless someone is hurting or taking advantage of someone else, there are no morals. There is no code. Believing that, I believe that sex is something that we are built to enjoy–which is why it feels so damn good, and why we dissolve into euphoria when we are having it. There is no limit on the number of people we go to bed with, no right or wrong to who or how we fuck. The only reason we should place parameters around our sexuality is if we personally require these guidelines in order to be safe and happy. If we feel better only having sex with a carefully chosen partner who we love, then that is what we should do. If we want to avoid getting or spreading disease, we should use contraception. If sex is taking over our lives or ruining our relationships, then we need to get control of that impulse in order to reduce our suffering and the suffering of those close to us.
So as far as morality and sexuality go, I have figured out my personal ethic and that works for me.
The problem comes when thinking about the nature of, and value placed on sex. Of course this is something personal that we each need to decide for ourselves, but I have seen so many couples (including my husband and I) destroyed or seriously struggling because of a lack of agreement on this issue.
It seems clear to me that sex–like everything else–has no value besides that which we as people place on it. For me, it is extremely important and a necessary part of a vibrant and full life. For others, it is just a fun recreational activity, or something they don’t care to do at all. Obviously, making a commitment to spend your life with someone who places different value on sex than you do is going to be a problem.
I guess my confusion comes from being on a different side of this issue from so many of the other mothers I know. Many will talk about how they haven’t had sex with their husbands in months, or they only have sex a handful of times a year. When their husbands complain about the lack of sex, they get angry and defensive, saying that sex isn’t important. It doesn’t matter enough to make or break a relationship, it is a “want” and not a need, and that their husbands should be able to take care of themselves in this area if they need to get off. They completely misunderstand their spouse–that he does not just need an orgasm, he needs to be able to express his sexuality with another person. Sex is not just about relieving the discomfort of being horny, and masturbation is a totally different experience from having sex.
The attitude of these women is, that sex is “base”. That is is not a higher order need. That family, companionship and whatever else their husbands have in their lives should be enough to keep them satisfied. Like I said before, sex is not a need for everyone, but for some people it absolutely is. Should their husbands continue to suffer in silence, not having their needs met? Should they do so with a smile, and not even complain? It seems like deprivation of pleasure–and that which makes us human– is cruel and unusual. But is the wife cruel and unusual? This is where I get twisted up in my thinking.
No one should have to have sex when they don’t want to, so my friends are right. Their husbands should not pressure them. No one should have to live without their basic sexual needs being met, so their husbands are right–they deserve to be able to be as sexual as they want to be. Yet these couples have committed to each other, built lives together, and love each other. Families should not be torn apart because two people have different ideas of what an adult relationship is and what it should look like. Where does that leave us–all of us who are mismatched in our relationships?
It leaves us in a place where we know, once and for all, that sex should NOT be abstained from until marriage. It leaves us knowing that we should experiment and experience our sexuality fully, and what it means, and communicate that honestly to our partners before making a commitment, so that we do not end up in this situation in the first place. But for those of us for whom this ship has sailed, I’m not sure there’s an answer. Especially if those in the couples believe whole-heartedly that monogamy is something that they want.
In discussing this with my husband, he has stated that he has not been having more sex with me just to make me happy, or out of obligation. He is doing it because he wants a healthy sex life. Even if he does not always feel like it, he always enjoys it, and he knows that a major part of increasing your sex drive is to have more sex! I am thankful that we are in this place, but worried for my friends, their marriages, and the marriages of all the other couples out there who are on opposite sides of sexual appetite scale (and of course, things between my husband and I could become sexually stagnant again–we are not out of the woods yet).
It seems like, no matter what, there is no way for everyone to be happy. I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the nature of life.
Okay. So I know I owe you Part 2 of The Surrogate Sir, and I apologize that it has not been forth coming. I could say that I have been busy with my new job and taking care of two sick kids (which is true), but the fact of the matter is, I’m a little miffed. I haven’t heard from Sir. S or Peanut since the night I wrote about in the aforementioned post, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
There’s the fact that Sir. S promised to train me and keep me out of trouble (read: out of random peoples’ beds), while my Sir is away. There’s the fact that my Sir, assuming that I would be seeing a lot more of them than I have been, asked me not to have sex with anyone besides them in his absence. But then there’s the fact that frankly, I feel. . .discarded?
I’m sure that sounds strange coming from me. Since when do I actually care about things like that, right? But it isn’t the fucking me and then never contacting me again that’s the problem. It’s the misinformation. I have no issue being used for sex (and using that person back), but I do have an issue with dishonesty. As in, don’t say you will train me, and then disappear. Don’t say you will miss me when my Sir gets back, and then ignore me for the next two weeks into possibly forever. Don’t hold me and tell me that I “fit”, and that we have a really strong connection, and that you are looking forward to spending a lot more time with me, and then not follow through. It confuses the brain.
I don’t often form an emotional connection with the people I have sex with, but when you go out of your way to forge one with me, then fucking follow through. It’s not like I was looking for any kind of commitment or anything of that nature–I just wanted what was promised, which was connection and friendship (and hot sex, ha ha).
On top of my own feelings, I’m also in a position of not knowing how to proceed. I have been asked to play with a number of different people, and I don’t know how I should handle that. My Sir is away, and he can’t really use his cell while he is gone (roaming issues). He has sent me a few short emails to let me know he is thinking of me, but we really haven’t talked at all. So getting his permission to play with someone else may be tricky. And I know (because he told me), that if it wasn’t for Sir. S and Peanut and their promise to take care of me, he would not have asked me not to sleep with anyone else while he was away, because he knows I wouldn’t be able to do it. So, given the fact that Sir. S and Peanut have totally ignored me, I should get a pass on playing with others we know from the community, yes? I mean, one of his biggest concerns was me having sex with people he doesn’t know, and he does know at least a couple of the people who have asked me.
Not sure what to do, there. I am a horny creature and can’t really take much more of this celibacy. But I would also be very proud to tell him that despite S’s neglect, I obeyed his orders. Think of the rewards I could milk that for!
Can we discuss the nuances of this question?
Sometimes men I talk to online will ask me what I plan to wear on a date. I find it slightly offensive. It puts a lot of pressure on me to wear something really slutty and sexy–and frankly, I don’t see why it matters. If we are meeting for sex, my clothes will be hitting the floor soon enough.
Not only that, but the one man I met who asked me this repeatedly (Mr. IT, if you remember that trainwreck), would show up looking less than stellar himself. I would show up in a tube top and short skirt, mostly because I felt like I had to, and he would show up in a wrinkled t-shirt and shorts–one vertically striped, one horizontally striped. I’m not one to judge based on wardrobe, but if a man is going to imply that I need to look hot, then he should make an effort to look equally presentable. Throw the clothes in the dryer for five minutes, and pick out a top that matches your bottoms. Just sayin’.
My Dom also frequently asks what I’m wearing. I feel like he has more of a right to do so because his job is to sexualize me, not to make me feel comfortable. However, I’m never quite sure what to make of the inquiry. He doesn’t ask me what I’m going to wear on a date, unless he specifically tells me what clothes he wants me in (he has promised to tell me to wear old clothes sometimes so he can rip them off me–yum), but he will randomly ask what I have on at any given time. Does he want what I’m wearing to be sexy?
I’m a stay at home mom who works with children part-time. I hate to shatter the illusion, people, but I’m usually decked out in jeans and a t-shirt. In the summer if I’m hanging out at home I can often be found in nothing but my undies, but I can guarantee you I am not dressed in slut-wear unless there’s a specific reason for me to do so.
So I wonder, does he want the real answer? Or does he want to hear what will turn him on? Should I admit I’m wearing cut-offs and a white wife-beater? Or does he want me to say I’m in stockings, a garter, a skirt and see-through blouse?
What is the correct answer to this question? Men and women both, chime in please!